i know no one reads this things.

but if you do. let me know that you're out there.

i like long walks on the beach...

haha.

wow i'm weird.

no wonder no one talks to me.

those people..him.

i feel so sad. i'm sitting here bawling my eyes out.

he did so much for those people. so much.

i wish i could meet him.

he cheated to death and then killed himself.

it's a fucked up world man..

it's definitely making me rethink my life at this moment.

urgh.

anywhosers.

currently:

okay. atleastithinkso.

currently:

into the beatles, mgmt, & NSN.

currently:

learning guitar.

currently:

start trippin' bawls.

just experimenting.

don't lecture me. ill only do it more.

it's just a rebellious phase that almost every teen goes through

in one way at least.

currently:

dieting. & learning guitar.

So how are you guys?

i miss it.

also, i think i'm gonna through my friends.

make yourself noticed if you want to be able to talk to me. :)

i'm thinking..

maybe another journal/story series soon?

i miss my fans. (nikki, jay, that means you dolls)

Drumroll pleasee??

I get to talk to my friend Matt tomorrow!!!!!

↑ Matt

EEEEEEEE.

HEHE.

Matt is from Germany, he's also half Italian so he has accents out the assums. He is also my bestest friend.;) I love him so much!. And I'm psyched to talk to him tomorrow. He's in New York visiting his family and we have same time now. (Awesomeness.)

But I am SO PSYCHED I almost pissed myself.

Then I got all nervous and gasy. :

But that happens. Lol.

I told my Mom about it. And I ran through the house going "eeee hehehe!!" in a squeaky voice kind of Alvin Chipmunk. But nonetheless I AM EXCITED AS -... AS... Michael Jackson at a boyscout camping trip! xD

Woop!!! High fives for meee!!

Plusssss

CANDY!

I mean it’s crazy, and I don’t know why..but I can’t get over this guy.

I  mean really, I can’t.

Forgetting about him only lasts until I see him again or  until I see his picture or hear his name.

Then everything we’ve been through together stays in my brain for days and I ache to see him again. To smell him, to see his lazy crooked smile aimed at me making my heart flutter and blood creep into my cheeks.

Then I dream about him. About that Halloween that changed my life (if you think your first kiss would change your life) and it's crazy.

When I think of him the first thing I do is cry because I can't be his. Because he can't be mine. I put on Nirvana, the first song that was playing during our first moment. When he first smiled that lazy smile at me and seemed to know exactly what I was thinking.

My mind goes back to that day in August on his back porch, a pre-school cookout.

When we went to the waterfall and it was as if we were alone. He stayed with me the whole time and caught me if I fell.

He looked really concerned when I got stung by that bee.

He wanted to go back, because I could've been allergic to those too.

The way he hugged me with his arm around my waist seemed somewhat possessive.

His eyes always looked at me with that clear green of knowing that I was afraid of him. Because of his experiences, of his age, of everything. But he always looked at me with tenderness and knowing that I wasn't like every other girl.

My mind goes back to the day at school when I was almost certain I would fall because he made my knees so weak.

Silly crushes stay with you I think, because all he did was smile that smile..that heart wrenching, knee-weakening smile at me and asked me what's up. True love or obcession is the question you're asking yourself.

Probably both. I can't be with any guy without mentioning his name. Jealousy always darkens their voices, which they should be.

He's everything I could ever hope for.

..Now I'm just spilling out the truth. Should I keep it bottled up or let it go and face the facts that he's getting married young in April or June, possibly July. Should I say something to him before it's too late? Am I the key to the disaster he's getting himself into? If I knew that, I'd be looking for him right now. I know where he is, only not even a mile away. I can't get him out of my brain the way his lips felt. His lips soft and yet hard, a dark shade of pink, wet and always curving into a smile. I can't repress the memories, because they're gnawing at me like a hurricane at the coast. If I could repress the memories however, I wouldn't. Because I'd be empty inside, knowing there's a puzzle piece to me that's not yet filled; not completed, and I would be lost without him.

I'd be lost without the memories of the waterfall, the school confrintations, Halloween and Christmas Eve. All-in-all, I would say that he's my Nirvana.

-Late cos I passed out twice.

-Late for class because I puked right before we left.

-Mom told me it was my fault

-Also told me not to cry

-Sick all day

-Ran to class then had to go downstairs to get a tardy slip

-Forgot my gym clothes

-Had to write a health book

-Got shot with rubber bands

-Skylar said I was really pretty but wasn't his type.(wtf! :'[ )

-Throat still hurts

-Im tired

-Cried all day

-I miss my (ex? </3) boyfriend.

So tell me, AM I GOOD FOR ANYTHING!?

I lost half of my voice trying to pigsqueal.

I can almost do it!

I'm proud of myself.

When I get it down pat I'll post a video of me doing =]

You look like a total dweeb when you do it because you look like youre puckering up

and your body gets stiff and you kind of sway because you're inhaling it. (I cannot do exhale!)

But pretty soon hopefully I'll adopt Trevors band (we talked about it. :) he loves my screams though it fucks my voice up and he won't lemme do it!) and I'll scream/sing for them.

My voice is pretty much fucked and I know I might lose it if I keep pigsquealing...

But I love it. and It feels so cool that a girl can do it because most of us can't. Only the singer of that band that starts with an A I can never remember. Antiflag? Antrax.../no.. damn I forgot.

But in the long run this journals about:

Im learning to pigsqueal!!!!!